Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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