If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
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