This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
So about class tomorrow..... i,ll be there. But I may be still a bit drink and wearing a suit. I'll explain when I get there.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
