At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
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