I hope you get the herp and dife. The emd.
Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
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