Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
