I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
The air was thick with penises
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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