im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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