I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
Randomize
