my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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