I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
Randomize
