i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
