meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Randomize
