Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
