K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Randomize
