I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
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