Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Randomize
