I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
Randomize
