So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
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