i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
