im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
