my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
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