Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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