i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
