just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
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The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
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