there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
