I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
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