just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
