I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
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