I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
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