We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Randomize
