I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
