The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
