drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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