I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Randomize
