I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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