to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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