dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
She's hot, in a Megan Fox with Down's Syndrome kinda way. Like, she'd win Miss Deliverance Pageant
At least she's the hottest one. Oh well, it's all about stats
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
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