I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Randomize
