i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
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in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
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Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
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