god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Randomize
