hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
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If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
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And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
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