you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
