I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
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A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
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You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
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