I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize
