I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
hell yes lets make some ravioli
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
