no one should ever give us hovercrafts
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Randomize
