i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Randomize
