I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
