An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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