I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
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