The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
