I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
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