I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
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