guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
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