you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
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