Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
