I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
